SEARCH PARTY

WORDS BY KHALID STRICKLAND a.k.a. BLACK PACINO

Like most websites, The Spizzy gets a lot of views from random online searches.  People type words and phrases into their favorite search engines hoping to strike information gold.  Being the mysterious, omnipresent force behind The Spizzy, I can see exactly what searches led viewers to my blog.  Most of these key-phrases, like “Rosario Dawson,” “producer Marco Polo” or even “girls and guns” are pretty common.  But there are some search engine terms that are just plain crazy.  I thought it would be interesting to reveal a few of these wacky searches.  If there’s a phrase or two listed that you may have personally Google’d (yes, “Google” is a verb), sorry to put you on blast.  Be assured, however, that I don’t see anyone’s I.P. address… just the wild shit they searched for and the amount of views it brought me.

All of the following search engine terms are 100% real.

OBAMA DU RAG-2 views

I knew I wasn’t the only one searching for pics of Obama wearing a du-rag.  There’s only one way to for him to get waves like that and as Agent Mulder would say, “The truth is out there.”  Or perhaps it was Republicans trying to get dirt on Obama.  A black President caught wearing a du-rag would surely be grounds for impeachment.  But like a jail-bound rapper, Barry-O’s street cred would skyrocket.

MEAN BITCH SARA JAY-9 views

If the searcher was complimenting porn starlet Sara Jay, then this makes sense (sidebar for the slang-impaired: The word “mean” can also be defined as “hot” or “gorgeous”). If not, then they didn’t meet the same Sara Jay I did; I found her to be very cool and down-to-Earth.  Unlike many other chicks I’ve met, she didn’t spray me with mace when I copped a feel.

PACINO SEXY-4 views

I feel sorry for the lusty ladies looking for my namesake, Al Pacino, only to stumble across photos of my ugly mug. I guess ol’ Al still has it.

WHITE RAPPER WITH GRILL-2 views

I don’t know how they found The Spizzy with this one.  I’ve never featured or mentioned Paul Wall as of yet and he’s THE white rapper with a grill.  Hell, he even owns a business that designs and molds them.  Eminem wore a du-rag for whatever reason but he’s never had jewelry adorning his teeth.  If there are any other prominent white rappers rockin’ a grill I’d be interested in their whereabouts. ‘Til then, Paul Wall is in a class by himself.

I MADE MY BUTT BIGGER-2 views

Lola Luv must have felt a need to confess.  Let’s move on…

FUCK FACEBOOK-6 views

Did Tom from MySpace search for this? Maybe some users are growing tired of Facebook’s sometime Draconian rules.  I’ve reconciled my beef with the networking giant (at least until they ban me again) but I’ve heard many complaints through “The Gripevine,” especially with mainframe acting screwy as of late.  Once Facebook inevitably charges a monthly fee, this particular random search will increase ten-fold.

MY LIL BLACK COUSIN SHAKING HER BUBBLE BUTT-1 view

This one seems a bit personal, eh? Computers are pretty smart but I’m not sure if they’re programmed to know exactly who this searcher or their cousin is.  To their credit, the searcher did type key specifics (Lil’ Black & bubble butt).  Still, the chances of finding the booty-shaking relative online are slim to none.  Perhaps the user should search offline at local stripclubs and back-alleys.  Or maybe the search engine knows something I don’t.  Are one of The Spizzy’s butt-shakin’ black models someone’s lil’ cousin? So long as “lil” doesn’t mean “under 18 years old,” fuck it.

WHITE SUPREMACY-51 views

Nazi Skinheads and Klansmen must be so disappointed when my “Battle For White Supremacy” pops up in their searches.  Hyped-up for some Anti-black, Jew-killin’ rhetoric, they click the link and end up at a blog run by a *gasp* nigger.  And not just any nigger… An articulate nigger lusting after four thick, white porno actresses who love black dick.  Well, three actually; Alexis Texas doesn’t do interracial scenes.  Guess she’s the only one that misdirected Skinheads can root for at The Spizzy.

Which brings us to our next search engine term…

ALEXIS TEXAS SHE NEEDS 2 FUCK WIT SOME BLACK GUYS-2 views

This is less of a search and more of a plea.  Maybe someone thought that by Googling this, Alexis would somehow get the message.  But I feel this viewer’s pain because Alexis’s big ol’ booty was designed to be smashed by black dudes. This random search may work better as a Twitter message.  In fact, I’m about to start a revolution… where’s my shotgun and black beret? Brothers, let’s go on Twitter and re-tweet the hell out of the above phrase until Ms. Texas gets the message. Her Twitter address is http://twitter.com/alexis_texas.  Let her know those phat vanilla scoops are worthy of equal opportunity.  Yes We Can!

And while we’re on the topic of race…

NIGGER BIG BOOTY-2 views

Those Skinheads probably ran this search too, seeking to fulfill their hidden desire for beautiful black women. It’s a hunch but I assume the searchers are anti-black because the word “nigger” isn’t spelled like a term of endearment.  “Nigga Big Booty,” “Big Booty Bitch” or the ever-popular “Big Booty Hoes” would have been more affectionate.  But here’s the million-dollar question: Why did this search lead them to The Spizzy? I’m sure some kind of activist will stand on their soap-box and let me know momentarily.

And finally, here’s the last search engine term for today.  It’s so bizarre I have no photo to accompany it…

BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY OH YEAH BI- 78 views

That’s not a misprint, folks.  That’s an actual search.  You’re probably thinking the same thing I did: “What the fuck?!” This person must randomly type whatever gibberish is in their head at the moment, like OJ Da Juiceman writing rhymes.   “Bi” was clearly an after-thought.  Did they type “Big Booty” three times to make sure that their computer got the hint? To whomever searched this peculiar phrase 78 times, I dedicate this song to you with the best of intentions…

It’s all good.  Stange people are always welcome at The Spizzy.