HOSTED BY BLACK PACINO
GUEST STARRING BIG AL OF SPIC’N SPANISH & DON MAGIC HUANG
(a.k.a. THE UNHOLY TRINITY)
ILLUSTRATION BY SIMON BISLEY
Since Mike Goonberg bought a 3rd term as NYC mayor, I’ve got a greater appreciation for the democratic process.
The Spizzy is home to such crunk contests as BIG BOOTY BATTLE ROYALE and THE BATTLE FOR WHITE SUPREMACY. Commentators worldwide voted for the chicks they deem hottest in each bout. My motto is “The polls never close” but eventually we’ve got to settle on a winner. Unlike the Bush vs. Gore election, votes really do count at The Spizzy. So the ballots were tallied and after weeks of deliberation, I settled on a clear-cut winner for each contest. Folks can still exercise their right to free speech and comment on the posts, but from this day forth the victors I announce will be etched in stone.
To preside over this momentous occasion, I have summoned two experts. These seasoned horn-dogs will help me break down and analyze each bout, like the generals who interpret Sun Tzu in The Art of War.
On deck I have my partner-in-grime Big Al, the celebrated ringleader of Spic’n Spanish TV. Also joining us is the homie Don Magic Huang, a multitalented entrepreneur with an alias and low profile for this commentary. Associating with a nefarious crew like the Thirst Mob could incriminate The Don, so he’ll share his expertise from behind a ski-mask.
Let the round table commence. Here are our winners…
The Winner: BEAUTY DIOR
“I’ve met Olivia so many times already that I almost consider her a friend…”
“…so it hurts me to admit that Beauty deserved this victory. Her booty-full ass is fatter and rounder than Olivia’s. Dior has one of the best damn bubble butts in the business.”
DON MAGIC HUANG
“So, Beauty Dior definitely got Olivia O’Lovely with the ass. Dior’s ass is top 15th percentile. O’Lovely’s ass is a lardo ass. Don’t get it twisted, I like it big and messy but as far as a competition ass goes, O’Lovely’s is too sloppy. There’s good sloppy where you get dimples and then brothas can play Connect Four. And there’s bad sloppy when your ass is all over the place like water in a ziploc bag.”
“On the other hand, Beauty Dior is mugged. Some videos, she’s aite. Other videos she looks like some birds I know around the way that got horse face. This to me was a bum fight. I like Olivia O’Lovely more cause it is fun to watch her fat ass try to move around and her face is aite but she’s more of an old standby for me. When my favorites aren’t on the front page of Xvideos, I’ll watch O’Lovely… but I don’t ever run home from work waiting to throw milkshakes to her shit.”
“Ah, the battle that started it all. This bout was actually over on July 19th with Beauty Dior declared the winner. After that, two more votes for Olivia trickled in but it was too little too late. Both of these chicks float my boat but pound-for-pound Beauty’s ass fits my definition of perfect. Plus, she moves her booty as if each cheek has remote-controlled hydraulics… that’s her mutant superpower. And like any hero worth their salt, she handles great power with great responsibility.”
Next up on the docket…
The Winner: BRIANNA LOVE
“Now this is what I call a Fatal Four-Way Match! However, much like in the main event of WrestleMania 2000, I have a problem with the outcome. Looks like the voters may have been swayed more by good looks than by ass. Brianna is the prettiest and youngest-looking out of this crew. And though Brianna’s butt is top-notch, the gutter-faced cougar Sara Jay should’ve won…”
“She’s got one big, great culo that was made for extreme pounding!”
DON MAGIC HUANG
“YES, this was a fucking royal rumble. Brianna Love, Sara Jay, and Alexis Texas all make my top 15 all-time. Sara Jay is notoriously mugged and probably been to the dentist less than Al Bundy, but she is a freak and her ass is out the frame. Katja Kassin, good booty, but she’s too much of a FOB (fresh off the boat) for me. When I watch her videos, it always feels like she’s eye-fucking me for a green card. You don’t love me, you just love my passport! That’s fucked up!”
“The real battle here though is Alexis Texas v. Brianna Love. These two are my #1 and #1a in porno right now. That’s why they both made it onto TONK’S PORN STAR SHIRT And conveniently, the two teamed up on one dick so we can literally put the asses side by side in Big Wet Butts at Brazzers.com. Just on sheer size, thighs and face crushing ability, Alexis Texas wins in a landslide.”
“BUT NOT SO FAST, PERVERTS… Brianna Love got some other things going for her. #1, no matter how old she gets, she still seems 18 and that is dope. #2, she makes faces and sounds that really convince you that she’s getting pummeled. That’s cool, especially when you’re Asian like me. You like to know you can still hurt someone with your bullshit Micro-Machine Tienanman Square Tank Dick. #3, she squirts.”
“Ugh! That squirtin’ shit does nothing for me, Don. That’s why I can’t enjoy Flower Tucci’s flicks, no matter how fat her ass is. All that squirtin’ turns me off. Now a chick who shoots ice cubes out of her twat and into a glass… that’s talent. I saw a broad do that at a stripclub once. Back then, I used to make it rain but the girls didn’t like books of food stamps fallin’ on ‘em. So I stopped tossin’ up my stacks.”
“This contest went down to the wire; there were several ties and lead changes. After tallying all of The Spizzy’s votes, Brianna and Katja were tied with 12 votes apiece… Alexis and Sara were knotted at 7 . So I checked out BYRON CRAWFORD’S BLOG, where he re-posted my battle. I factored in the votes that his viewers left and that was enough to put Brianna in the lead for good. For sure, Brianna is worthy.”
And finally, the most recent rumble…
The Winner-LUSCIOUS LOPEZ
“A great battle between evenly-matched opponents but Lopez’s luscious derriere gets a slight nod over Ricki’s rump. There’s just a little more junk in the trunk – as well as a little more bubble – on L.Lo.”
DON MAGIC HUANG
“I’m a big Ricki White fan. She looks and sounds like Jersey Trash, wears ill outfits and the first time I saw her was in some video called Strippers and Coke. Nuff said. The chick is hot garbage and I enjoy watching her ruin her life… it’s hot.”
“That’s the key to porn. You need a psychological hook for the viewers. There are plenty of bad bitches in Maxim, FHM, TV, Movies, whatever, but porn stars are porn stars because they’re fucked in the head and it produces amazing results in bed, in vans, in strip clubs, dumpsters, whatever. Ricki White has that. So does Sasha Grey. These people are nuckin futs and I want to watch.”
“Luscious Lopez always got that look on her face like her shit don’t stink. Shawty, I got news for you: There are days your vajayjay smells like durian so wipe the stupid look off your face and get blasted. There are also girls who act like their shit don’t stink but there’s a big payoff when they get stuffed. Exhibit A: Sasha Grey. She looks like that stuck up skinny white girl in high school that wouldn’t talk to anyone darker than a brown bag, but then she gets crushed and makes all manner of stupid faces and says crazy shit like ‘punch me in the stomach.’ I ride with you Sasha Grey! But Luscious Lopez? Dead Fish. Ricki White All Day.”
“Sasha Grey is one of the best young hotties in the XXX game, no question. But will she go mainstream? Sasha’s resume now includes The Girlfriend Experience, a serious Hollywood movie directed by esteemed filmmaker Steven Soderbergh. She may go the way of Jenna Jameson, the actress who transcended porn and became a mega-star. If so, will she disown her notoriously lewd skin-flicks faster than Jay-Z ditches old friends? Stay tuned. But back to Luscious and Ricki, both of whom fuck like berserkers in every joint.”
“Ricki White is finer than a thread of silk but Luscious Lopez has that rock-solid, statuesque body which is very hard to topple. They’re both winners in my book. At the end of the day, however, Lo Lo is too much of a brickhouse to be stopped. To paraphrase The Art of War, Luscious is a sexy, two-ton boulder rolling down a ten-thousand foot mountain… and that freakish momentum powered her to a sweet victory.”
So there you have it, Thirst Mob. The victors have been coronated; their buns will be bronzed for placement in The Spizzy Hall of Fame. I’d like to thank my two guest-stars for their timely cameos.
This moment calls for a celebration, so here’s another video clip from Big Al’s trip to Exxxotica. The vid features 2 Live Crew, without founding member Uncle Luke, performing their smash hit “Me So Horny” on a stage full of half-nekkid hot chicks. Hopefully they were paid handsomely for this performance, ’cause word on the street is that these brothers are hurtin worse than MC Hammer.
Nonetheless, this performance is the shiznit. A fitting end to a glorious day in Booty Battle History.
Cop that SPIC’N SPANISH CHRONICLES VOL. 1 DVD… starring Big Al, Ice-T, Lil’ Kim, Fabolous, Fat Joe, Remy Ma, Jadakiss, Tiffany Mynx, Honey Bunny and some of the wildest, most uninhibited women in the galaxy.
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