There are certain American chain stores that always have sluggish cashiers serving long lines of disgruntled customers. Even before losing droves of workers to the recession, these particular stores have been plagued with shitty customer service and eternal waiting periods. When you’re in a rush, you already know not to set foot in these five quagmires…
MODELL’S
There is no register slower than the one at Modell’s Sporting Goods. Heavy emphasis on numero uno because no matter how many registers they actually have, only one seems to work. Regardless of what Modell’s store you go to, be prepared to do a bid; your fam will throw a “Welcome Home” party upon your return. Modell’s is an official sponsor of the New York Jets, an NFL team that sets the gold standard for ineptitude. In turn, the Jets must be coaching the customer service reps at Modell’s. The cashiers always fumble the ball and the store’s patrons gain no yardage from the line of scrimmage.
CONWAY
The line at Conway is littered with the skeletal remains of customers past. This bottom-of-the-barrel store is good for an inexpensive pair of name brand boxers and socks. But they may no longer fit by the time you reach the counter; you’ll shed pounds wasting away on that fuckin’ line. The cashiers move in slow-motion, like a fight scene in The Matrix, while removing tags and folding clothes. I have several gray hairs in my beard now… they all sprouted up during a trip to Conway.
DUANE READE
The floors at Duane Reade must be made of quicksand, because once you go in you’re trapped. Since they’re a pharmacy that mainly sells medical shit, you’d think the folks at Duane Reade would have some sense of urgency. Hell no. If you’re sick, your symptoms may worsen while you’re on line, stuck in neutral. Even during the wee hours of the morning, at their 24-hour stores, there’s no such thing as a quick stop by Duane Reade. If the cashiers were as sharp as the security, who brazenly keep their eye on every Black person who walks in there, maybe we’d see progress.
TARGET
There’s a scene in Poltergeist where Diane Freeling is running down a long hallway, trying to save her daughter from a malicious ghost in the bedroom. But the closer she gets to the door, the further away it moves… the hallway never seems to stop extending. That’s the only way to describe waiting on line at Target. Just when you think the line will budge an inch, the cashier has some kind of problem and calls for a manager, who takes their sweet time answering. Target should be renamed “Tar pit,” ’cause once you get inside you’re going to be stuck for a while. One day I’mma slam a giant hourglass on the counter and scream at the cashier, “The sand is runnin’, bitch!!! Hurry the fuck up!!!”
ANY STORE ON 125TH STREET IN HARLEM
The motto of cashiers on One-Two-Fif is “I’ll get to it when I get to it.” They should rename Starbucks on 125th Street Slowbucks. And don’t get me started on Staples; the gridlock on that line is worse than the Holland Tunnel at rush hour. Your watch will freeze up on 125th ’cause time has no meaning there. Why is everything for Black folks, including customer service, second rate? Maybe if the cashiers put down their cell phones and stopped playing the dozens with their co-workers, shit would speed up a bit. The sidewalk vendors move quickly, especially the guys with the bootleg CDs and movies. But that’s because the police are lookin’ for them.
Honorable Mention-Pathmark, K-Mart, Staples and Old Navy.
I could imagine the hell people are going through in those stores this time of year, lmao.
I just found out you can get the spizzy on your mobile phone, so while on line in the store you could be online at the spizzy
yes, the spizzy is available for your mobile.
pack extra cellphone batteries before a trip to any one of these stores, though. the power will run out before the line moves a centimeter.
Dude that’s why do all my shopping on the internet. long live SKYNET!
DON’T FORGET SEARS! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE PAYING A BILL!!
LMAO @ skynet.
i do a lot of shopping online but yesterday, right before i wrote this, i needed a new pair of dickies and some boxers right quick… so i went to modell’s. but the words “quick” & “modells” should never be used in the same sentence… it’s grammatically incorrect LOL i was inspired to write this shit after losing a chunk of time there.
i haven’t been to sears in years but you on point. sears is mega-slow… it’s the chopped & screwed version of a department store. my moms bought a washing machine there when i was a kid and even back then, that shit took forever. especially for an A.D.D. case like me.
sears is worthy of this list & will receive its honorable mention right here.
I’ve seen a woman give birth while waiting in line at Wal-Mart. When I asked her how long she was in line she told me 11 months.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Her kid prolly had a grandkid before she reached the counter.
We ain’t got no Wal-Mart in the city… maybe further upstate or in the burbs. But when I went to Wal-Mart down south, they was slow as muthafucka too. And the pace of the south is already slow… Wal-Mart workers are in suspended animation.
Hello,
I remember and impressed those happennigs.
If it means
“hey! do you really want or need these stuffs?
you have a lot of time to think about it.
what will you do after you will get it?
You have a time to think about it.
you can change your mide,,,.”
something like that…
Yeah, America is the only place you would experience this, Kaoru.
In Japan, ya’all don’t have this problem with slow stores & stupid cashiers. Customer service is an art in Japan & I was spoiled over there. I loved it.
Like… Don Quijote is a GIANT store with a lot of customers but the line always moves fast. The restaurant workers in JP are great & move quickly… and they don’t even accept tips. Here in America, waiters & waitresses do a shitty job & stick their hand out for a tip. Man, fuck that.
That’s why I’ve always said… it’s a state of mind. It’s definitely a cultural thing. The discipline, courtesy & respect you find in JP, you will not find here. I know it isn’t perfect over there and everybody isn’t hard-working or respectful. But to me, the mentality is so different.
“hey! do you really want or need these stuffs?
you have a lot of time to think about it.”
LOL!!! Yes, you get a lot of time to think about your purchase… or change your mind… while you wait on line at these stores. You can think about your entire life story & the secrets of the universe at Modell’s… and still never reach the cash register lol