CRITIQUE BY KHALID STRICKLAND a.k.a. BLACK PACINO
Rap ain’t the only genre of entertainment with a decline in quality over the years. Another group of ghetto performers have also fallen from grace.
Bums.
Panhandlers just ain’t what they used to be. While I was in Burger King yesterday, some uncharismatic bum walked up to me and rudely blurted out:
“You got a quarter?”
Son… what the fuck kind of sales pitch is that?
It’s bad enough that a perfectly healthy, grown-ass man is asking for spare change. But at least entertain me, nigga. A lil’ song & dance. Tell a joke or something. In my day, the best bums had a gimmick that set them apart from the rest of the pack. A distinct flavor, if you will.
Take the infamous “Cat Man,” for example…
Yes that is an actual photo of the legend. This cool character rode the train with a bunch of felines tagging along. Even when you saw him walking around Downtown Brooklyn, he had a cardboard box full of kittens. At least one would be perched on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot. And they were well-behaved too! This guy was the Cesar Millan of stray cats. If he had better business sense, he could have made millions of dollars as ”The Cat Whisperer.”
Or who could forget “Change To Spare Lady?” She was a shriveled-up old crackfiend who earned her nickname because she’d plead in a high-pitched British accent for “Change to spare?” Needless to say she wasn’t British. Everybody in Brooklyn knew that broad; she was a subway star.
“She used to look good once,” a neighborhood O.G. told me. “Then she got hooked on that shit.”
Obviously, she’d smoke up whatever coins I gave her. Still, no matter how many times I heard her famous catchphrase, I’d burst into laughter. That’s a nickle well-spent as far as I’m concerned.
And in the streets of Fort Greene, the legendary Twins left their mark; inseparable Spanish twin brothers who were BOTH drunken bums. I’d love to hear their life story because I can’t fathom how the fuck that happened. What are the odds? They’d travel as a duo, ranting drunken gibberish while staggering down the block. Sometimes they’d fight with each other.
Sadly, one of the Twins passed away and the surviving brother (who sobered up for a while after that) became a solo act. Eventually he reverted into a bum again but no matter how much he wigged out, it was like DMC without Run: incomplete.
I’ve seen some halfway decent street and subway performers but most of them are plain annoying. In the early morn or after a hard day’s work I’m not in the mood to hear muthafuckas playing loud, off-key music for a captive audience.
Although these underground showmen at least make an effort to work for their loose change, they still don’t have the natural flavor or charm of the legendary bums I mentioned. The Hall-of-Famers didn’t need instruments; they got over on pure charisma. You’d want to give them money. These new jacks try too hard. Although, I did like the Subway Stewardesses…
They were hot but they should have taken advantage of the poles on the train and gave us a sexy dance, na’mean? But they work for the MTA so they couldn’t get buckwild.
For all the money we trick away on shitty public transportation the MTA owes us pole dances and lapdances too. Let me slide my Metrocard between their butt cheeks and stuff bus transfers in their G-strings.
But I’m going off-tangent… time to put out this spliff and refocus.
The bums of today need to study the old masters and tighten up their beggin’ game. In the days after Obama won the Presidential election, a bum younger than me strolled up on the street. He was black, so you know the first word out of his mouth was “Brother,” though I’d be downgraded to “nigga” once I refused to give him shit.
“We got us a black president!” he shouted with his hand outstretched, beaming from ear-to-ear. “OBAMA!”
I looked at his grimy palm and rebuked, “Son, I don’t think the change you’re looking for is the kind Obama spoke of.”
Holding the door open at Chase bank ain’t cuttin’ it, buddy. Why do bums play doormen at the bank? People go in to get cash and ATM machines only spit out denominations of twenty. Think I’m givin’ you an entire Andrew Jackson? Nigga, please. Instead of holding the door open at McDonald’s, why don’t you walk in and ask for a fuckin’ job?
These new jacks disgust me, yo. They don’t hold a candle to the Catman or Change To Spare Lady. But there’s talent in the dumpsters and shantytowns of our great city. Eventually an up-and-coming young bum will hit me with an inventive sales pitch or creative gimmick.
That special person will receive a tribute at The Spizzy… and a shiny new quarter.
Good Read my dude.
speaking of subway strippers it reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVeqNuHcb-I
HA HA!!!
EXCELLENT FIND, MY G! I’m diggin this video.
If the subways were like THAT every day I wouldn’t feel as bad about the MTA rippin’ me off.
Nobody beats the biz.
imagine the real MTA women working those poles in traincars with those heavy-ass transit pants and and jackets! Falling off the poles and shit! Starting fights and “letting it rain” metrocards on the riders! Hilarious read.
LMAO!!!!
Some of those transit chicks workin in the tunnels look like men. I’d hate to see them on the poles wearing their big orange, reflective vests LOL But lemme leave ‘em alone, their Union is pretty strong. Don’t need ‘em picketing The Spizzy & threatening to go on strike again.
lmao… this was the most informative/hilarious post you’ve ever done
Thanks. But now the Deceptibums are gonna come after me.
Their leader, BEGATRON, transforms into a giant shopping cart.
You’re a wild dude!!! Love that vid too!!! LOL!!!
Yeah, The biz hooked us up with the video.
I don’t know if The biz has ever visited the comment box before, but after that video he’s gained V.I.P. status.
Hello,
If they could say PLEASE and THANK,
and some was changed.
“you got a 1/4 ?”
“you got a 1/4, too?”
LOL!!!!
You know what, Kaoru? I have actually said that to a bum.
He said, “Do you have a quarter?”
I said, “It’s funny you ask, ‘cuz I was just about to ask you the same thing. No… in fact, I was gonna ask you for a DOLLAR. Got one?”
I’ve ran into bums who said, “I’m, starving… I’ll take food.” Then you give ‘em your sandwich and they say, “Oh… I don’t like turkey.” How are you gonna be picky & discriminate when you’re starving? LOL
Back when I was really struggling… when I had NO food in the fridge at all… I couldn’t be picky. I even broke my “no pork” rule.
You’re right. Please & Thank You would help. From what I saw, the bums in Japan are very proud & they don’t even ask for change. That bugged me out.
Hello,
Are you still in “no pork” rule ?
I’m just curious.
I don’t have rule no pork but I don’t eat pork a lot.
Maybe it’s a couple of times in a year.
I don’t know bums in Japan are proud,,,,.
I saw bums around my area most of everyday.
I think they really like being bums.
anyway Have a good new year!!
Well… I have a confession to make, Kaoru.
*sigh* I eat pork every now & then.
But it depends on how it is prepared. If it’s lean cuts, like the kind in a big bowl of Ramen or something, I’ll eat it. I didn’t grow up eating pork, though, my mom didn’t cook it. But when I went Down South to spend the summer with my grandmother I HAD to eat pork. In the South, there is no choice… EVERYTHING has pork in it, down to the collard greens. And the way they made it… it tasted good as hell.
So I’m like you… maybe a few times in a year.
The Japanese bums like being bums? Sounds like a few niggaz I know personally. I meant that the Japanese bums didn’t ask for any change or dance around like these guys over here.
Happy New Year to you too, Kaoru!
Akemashte Omedeto!!!