The Miami Heat’s Big 3: Howard, Turiaf & Curry

Whoever invented the phrase “There are no free rides in life” obviously never met Juwan Howard, Ronny Turiaf and Eddy Curry of the newly-crowned NBA champion Miami Heat.  By default, these three benchwarmers will receive championship rings along with guys who actually contributed to the team’s success.  But those of us who watch basketball know they didn’t do shit but stand on the sidelines and root for their squad.  If that’s the case, the Miami Heat Dancers might as well get rings too.

Maybe I’m being too hard on these dudes, though.  I’ve never played in the NBA so I don’t know how much cheering can boost the confidence of your teammates.  Maybe the OKC Thunder lost the series because Juwan Howard distracted Kevin Durant with his incessant taunting. It takes a lot of energy to stand on the sideline and scream in the opponent’s ear.  Juwan could’ve gotten a sore throat and sent to injured reserve to rehabilitate his weary vocal chords.  But like a good soldier, he stood there and kept on yelling.  MVP material, if you ask me.

And let’s not forget that for at least a millisecond, Juwan set foot on the court this season.  Like the game where he tried to help his fallen teammate Lebron James off the floor, only to slip and fall his damn self…

Supporters argue that Juwan Howard deserves a ring because he’s been in the league for so long, his rookie contract is chiseled into a stone tablet.  I respect the fact that when he started playing basketball, they used a peach basket instead of a rim.  But there are many players greater than Juwan Howard who never won a title in their illustrious careers.  Why should I coddle a guy who basically signed up for NBA Championship Welfare? His ring should come in a brown cardboard box, like surplus cheese.

Then there’s Turiaf.  To be honest, I think Ronny’s cool.  He was a class act during his brief stint with my New York Knicks.  But he’s also the biggest fuckin cheerleader in the NBA.  Sometimes he lays it on a lil’ thick, na’mean? Every time Lebron walked back to the bench Turiaf was the first one to greet him, like some kind of fluffer.  Turiaf acts like every layup his team makes is the greatest shot of all time.  Some people have suggested that ol’ Ronny deserves a ring because he had a serious heart condition that nearly forced him to retire from basketball.  While I applaud his perseverance, having health problems doesn’t entitle an athlete to a championship.  This is the NBA, not the Special Olympics.

Still, at least Turiaf sniffed the court this year, which brings me to the third member of Miami’s Big 3…

Eddy fuckin’ Curry.

Here’s a sight that should sicken Knicks fans: Eddy Curry holding the Larry O’Brien Trophy.  As we all know, Curry spent most of his career as an underachieving, overweight slob who basically robbed the Knicks for millions of dollars.  The biggest contribution he ever made to New York was being traded to another team for cap space.  By some bizarro twist of fate, Curry ended up filling a roster spot on the Heat, where he contributed even less than he did with the Knicks.  All he did in Miami was model designer suits on the bench.  Well, that’s completely not true.  Curry also handed out some pretty good high-fives when his teammates returned to the bench.  He must’ve worked on his high-fives during the offseason.

Once upon a time, I interviewed Eddy Curry at Knicks training camp and he’s a genuinely good dude.  He’s been through a lot of hardships including various ailments, a scary home invasion and the death of his son’s mother.  But still, I’m sure Curry understands that he has no business holding that trophy, even if the NBA requires that every member of the Heat get a photo-op.  He would’ve been better off breaking protocol and politely declining.  I’m not sure how Curry ended up in financial ruin after fleecing the Knicks for all that cash, but he’ll probably pawn his undeserved championship ring for food (which will be promptly eaten).

Congratulations to Howard, Turiaf and Curry on their compelling victory.  They’ve taught children everywhere that they too can be winners… if they ride the right coattails.